shows/guitar/i don't know

lately i've been thinking about the future of tujunga. i mean, is it basically going to be this thing where i write songs, play them in my garage for like 7 people maybe every month or two, record them as a little CD-R album (which only gets heard by those same 7 people), then repeat the process? it just sounds kind of sad. i'm not saying i want to be famous. but isn't there a compromise between no one knowing you exist and being U2? there just seems to be a certain futility at tujunga's very core. like it's doomed to be this thing that essentially exists only in my own head. an imaginary rock band that performs in my garage once in a while. i'd like other people to somehow know tujunga (the band) exists, but i don't even know how i'd go about doing that. this sort of brings me to my next thing...

i'm really torn up about dalloway vs. tujunga regarding shows. i'd like it if tujunga wasn't exclusively based out of mountair, but i don't really know how to do that. dalloway always comes first for me. if some venue were to give me the opportunity to book a band with them (which is rare enough as it is), i would much rather tell them "put my name is dalloway on the bill" than try to have tujunga play the show (again, because it's so ridiculously hard to get shows at most venues in this city). if i ever did seek out a venue to get tujunga a show, i just feel like it would be sort of disingenuous to my name is dalloway---like that would be a show wasted on a lesser musical project. it's far more important to me that my name is dalloway gets out there and plays shows than tujunga. but i would still like tujunga to play shows as well now and then. and i don't know how to settle that, other than to simply forfeit and say, "all shows i have the opportunity to book, i'll tell the venue to book my name is dalloway. and tujunga will be based exclusively out of mountair (unless some weird, rare circumstance comes along)." i guess that's what i'm going to do. oh well.

i played my guitar for several hours last nite/this morning (whatever. nights and mornings kind of blur together for me these days. i can't keep track anymore). anyway, it dawned on me just how much i suck at guitar (i've always known that, but it somehow became ultra apparent then). there's all sorts of things i wish i could do with that instrument that i just can't. i've got these sounds in my head and i'm so awful at using my guitar as a vessel for them. lately i've been feeling like those sounds always either end up coming out diluted or entirely wrong.
sometimes i genuinely hate the way i play guitar.

oddly enough, i might try playing guitar at some future tujunga performances. maybe not right away. i'm not sure. i never really imagined tujunga as something that i would ever play an instrument in. i always wanted to leave that up to other people who are better at any given instrument than me.

tujunga is on the bill for the mountair show on dec 11th. i have no idea what i'm doing.

everything changes.
tujunga has always been envisioned as the place in which i could get all my art punk/mick jagger nonsense out of my system. i don't know. we'll see.

i'm just pouring ideas out of my head. nothing is permanent. within a week's time---why, even by tomorrow---i may have already changed my mind about every single thing i've written here.
everything changes.