Friday, November 19, 2010

Mountair: Past and Future

The end (sort of)...

The Mountair shows at my house (located on Mountair Avenue) will be coming to an end. The show this coming Saturday (Nov 20th) will be the final one at this location.

I want to make it very clear that Mountair itself, as a series of little all-ages DIY shows, is not coming to an end. Mountair shows will most likely happen less frequently, but they will definitely still happen. The locations are uncertain, but I'm going to do my very best to figure it out and keep it going. I owe it to myself and my dear friends to press onward with it.

I've been considering this for a while now, and I've finally come to the conclusion that the shows at my house have served their purpose and are ready for retirement. They had a good run and accomplished everything I hoped they would.

Don't get me wrong. I still love organizing shows. I've found over the last year that it's one of my very favorite things in the world to do. But I just can't see myself doing it at this house any longer. I could keep it going here, but the smile on my face would be mostly absent. The shows at my house did what they needed to do. I'm ready to say goodbye to them.
They're ending because I'm losing that energy with which they first started and I'm hoping to rekindle that energy and direct it toward Mountair shows at other locations. Where? I have absolutely no idea.

A very short back-story...

The idea behind Mountair started off last year after I moved back to L.A. from Olympia, WA---a town with a great deal of house-show activity, which was something I thought L.A. desperately lacked. It was really just a way to showcase some music that my friends and I had been up to. I figured the best way to do that would be to make it free, all-ages, and do it in a house for a handful of friends and friends-of-friends. The very first show happened in September 2009. I named the event after the street it took place on and carried it on once or twice a month every month since then.

I began these little house shows with a few things in mind...

I wanted to provide a space where relatively unknown (or, even better, entirely unknown) musical artists could share their work with a group of earnest, passionate listeners with warm hearts and very open ears in a small, intimate setting. It would be free, all-ages, and entirely based upon mutual love and respect for each other's work. That was the sole aim.

Throughout the decade that I've been performing music and booking shows, there have countless instances in which folks have told me that they were timid about engaging in an artistic endeavor somewhere simply because they felt that they wouldn't fit in, or they were scared to even begin engaging in said endeavor at all because they feared they couldn't do it "correctly", etc. I wanted Mountair to counter that. I wanted it to be a place where no one would feel any fear within them. I imagined that it would foster an atmosphere in which you could do anything and you'd have a gathering of people who wouldn't scoff at what you were doing, no matter what you were doing. They would listen. They would watch. And they might even fall in love with you.

I've always been terribly aware that there's a lot of unheard artists out there who could use a little help, and who desperately deserve to be heard. And I was more than happy to help make that happen with these little shows. It's not that I necessarily feel suspicious or resentful toward bands that get well known and successful. It's just that if I'm going to throw my weight behind someone and take the time to organize a show for them, I'll take the uncool kid with no fans making weird sounds any day of the week over some band with glossy press photos and a brand new record deal.

I wanted to create a flow of sounds from all sorts of far-flung genres that would all coexist in one tightly-knit two-hour music revue. I wanted it to be something you could count on. Once or twice a month, it was there. And each time you went, no matter how often you went, it would have something new to offer you.

A big reason why I have often referred to it as the 'Mountair music community' is that I always imagined it as a loose but still very interconnected group of artists who, despite their vast differences in sounds and locations, were all a part of holding together this DIY spirit of free, open shows up in a little house in some no-name town called Tujunga. One's membership in this little makeshift music community basically came down to whether one considered oneself to be a 'member' of it. If you wanted to be a part of it, you were a part of it. That was all there was to it.

I always thought of it as a web. And I always wished that all the distant, disparate ends of that web would grow as close together as they could. I always hoped these shows would introduce artists to each other and lots of new friends would be made. And I know that happened quite a good deal; probably more so than I ever expected. A bunch of Mountair-related bands ended up booking lots of shows together at more legit venues through the L.A. area (some of them had not even previously met). And a few friends of mine have told me that their entire musical projects began because they wanted to do a set at Mountair, which is enough to make me blush.

All of the above: that was my goal. And I'd like to believe I got around to accomplishing it the best I could. There were some small mistakes and pitfalls along the way, but I certainly don't regret any of it. Looking back, it all seems kind of perfect to me in all of its little imperfections.

So, that era has ended. They were free of charge. They were open to anyone who was interested in being a part of them (audience members and performers alike). And they created some of coolest sounds I've ever heard (honestly, I'm not just saying that) and connected all sorts of people who might not have otherwise ever met. It's over. And I couldn't be more pleased.

If you've ever performed at a Mountair show, if you've ever been to a Mountair show: THANK YOU. The fact that some intangible concept I threw together last summer could enter even a few people's lives and do some little bit of good for them makes me so grateful. I'm really, really happy about the way it all went down. So thank you. Thank you so much.
I've made a lot of new friends. And I've only grown closer to the ones I already had.

The future...

The future is tricky. I essentially have absolutely no idea what to make of Mountair's future, but I'll try my best to figure it out.

I've already prepared myself for the fact that by cutting out my house as a location these shows might be drastically reduced in their regularity. If Mountair turns into an event that only happens quarterly, or perhaps even biannually, I'm okay with that. I'm still going to make it happen and I'm still going to work hard on it.

I guess the first avenue I'm going to take is trying to curate Mountair shows at some local music venues that share the same all-ages, DIY spirit (and thankfully there's quite a good deal of them in this city).

If anyone reading this has any ideas---assuming you've actually made it down this far (and if you have, yikes! Thank you for your interest in all of this)---please don't be afraid to tell them to me. Any at all. I'm open to all suggestions (and chances are I'll probably try out just about anything you suggest). Ideas for show locations that might seem a bit abnormal are not only welcomed but encouraged.

I'm looking at the future as Mountair Phase Two. I'll do my very best to make it live up to Phase One.

Thanks again. Really. I can't tell you enough how much I appreciate all of you and what you have done with me in this over the last fifteen months.
Let's make 2011 awesome.


Friday, November 5, 2010

Tujunga live at the Smell!!!

Tujunga will be performing at the Smell this Saturday. Here's all the info...

Saturday, November 6th

Doors at 9:00pm
No drugs/alcohol

247 South Main Street
Downtown Los Angeles 90012

My band at this show will consist of Devyn Carnes, Ford Crispino, Joel Karahadian, and Paris Yavuz

Other artists playing at the show: Coup Pigeons, Teenage Sweater, Kevin Greenspon, and Nicole Kidman

Sunday, September 26, 2010

Sunday, September 19, 2010

Upcoming Tujunga Performances...

October 9th - Tribal Cafe (presented by Mountair)
FREE. ALL AGES. 7:00pm.
w/ Cat 500, Air Surgeon, Socorro, Dream Being, Coup Pigeons
Tujunga members: John Connolly + Devyn Carnes, Justin Johnson
1651 W. Temple St
Los Angeles, CA 90026

October 11th - Pehrspace (presented by Sean Carnage and KXLU)
$5. ALL AGES. 9:30pm.
w/ Tleilaxu Music Machine, NYMPH, The Monolators
Tujunga members: John Connolly + Hugo Castillo, Ford Crispino, David Lenhoff, Mikey Macapagal
325 Glendale Blvd
Los Angeles, CA 90026

November 6th - The Smell
$5. ALL AGES. 9:00pm.
w/ Coup Pigeons, Nicole Kidman, Kevin Greenspon
Tujunga members: John Connolly + Devyn Carnes, Ford Crispino, Joel Karahadian, Paris Yavuz
247 S. Main St
Los Angeles, CA 90012

Please feel absolutely free to contact me at if you have any questions!

Sunday, August 8, 2010

thank you to everyone who came to see me play at mountair on saturday evening. and thank you to jarrod, paris, and ford for playing with me. i really appreciate it.

Monday, August 2, 2010

Tujunga @ Mountair this Friday

Tujunga is playing at Mountair (in Jarrod's garage) this coming Friday (the 7th).
The band that night will consist of me on vocals, Jarrod on bass, Paris on guitar, and Ford on drums. I'm really excited to see how it goes. I think we'll be playing some old songs that haven't been played in quite a while.
Aside from my set, Paris will be doing a solo set, Devyn Carnes will be doing spoken word, and Jarrod will be performing as Air Surgeon. This show will be, as far as I know, Jarrod's last performance in L.A. before he moves to San Francisco.
It's going to be a great night.

Thursday, July 22, 2010


Upcoming shows I'm playing with Tujunga and James Band through the months of July and August...

Feel absolutely free to contact me at if you'd like further info on any of these (addresses, general clarifications, etc.)

July 23rd - Meow Fest Part Deux (Northridge)
$5 donation (all money will be donated to the Heaven on Earth Society for Animals)
All Ages
(Doors at 6:00pm. Music begins at 7:00pm. Tujunga goes on right around 8:00pm.)
w/ Dream Being, Paris, Lenhoff, and lots more

August 7th - Mountair (La Crescenta)
All Ages
(Music begins at 7:00pm sharp)
w/ Air Surgeon, Devyn Carnes, and Paris

July 31st - Mosaic Cafe (Tujunga)
All Ages
(James Band goes on first at 7:30pm)

August 13th - No Future Cafe (Pasadena)
All Ages
(James Band goes on third at 10:00pm)

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Tujunga @ Meow Fest Part Deux (July 23rd)

Tujunga will be performing at Meow Fest Part Deux in Northridge on July 23rd.

Ryan Rivera Montez, Paris Yavuz, Mikey Macapagal, Hugo Castillo, and David Lenhoff will also be performing. And a bunch of artists I don't personally know are also on the bill.

$5. All ages. All the money made that night will be donated to the Heaven on Earth Society for Animals. Many thanks to Bryce for putting this together.

Paris Yavuz and Ford Crispino will be playing guitar and drums, respectively, for Tujunga that night. We'll be playing some brand new and new-ish songs.

Contact me if you want info regarding the address, time, etc.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Every Mountair performer ever...

This is culled from twenty-three shows thus far...
A list of every artist who has ever performed at a Mountair event (in alphabetical order)...

Air Surgeon/Hostetler
Cary Allison
American Zen
Bande a part
Bestial Mouths
Blue Mako/Mikey Macapagal
The Boy
Brother Joel
Devyn Carnes
Cat 500/Sewer Shark
Coup Pigeons
David Divad
Doctor Zoo/Scott Karahadian
The Faraday Trippers
Flora Fauna
Tristan Green
David Liebe Hart
IONNO/Toothless Hooker/Our Unconscious Minds
James Band
The King's Minstrels
Maraca Mouths
Mother Turf
My Name is Dalloway
David Scott Stone
Two Gents
White Leopards

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

July 2nd + 3rd photos by Ford

My friend Ford Crispino---Sagittarius and drummer extraordinaire---took a plethora of super cool photographs on July 2nd and 3rd (i.e. Paris & Rie's rooftop potluck/show + Mountair in my garage). There's some photos of my Tujunga set on the roof in there somewhere, along with various shots of other artists performing on those dates: Air Surgeon, Cary Allison, Coup Pigeons, Blue Mako, Bande a part, and maybe more. If you know me in the slightest, you ought to know I'm a fervent advocate for documentation of all artistic happenings, so hats off to Ford. The more of this we can get, the better.

new song.

I finished a song the other day. It doesn't have a finalized title yet. I've changed the title so many times over the years. It's technically a song I started writing back in 2006, but heavily edited and with lots of appended parts. (This version will most likely be the final, definitive version.) As always, songs come very slowly to me.
(It's probably kind of sad that I feel the completion of a song is actually newsworthy. But that's where I'm at.)
No major news. No real plans for future shows. No intentions of recording. I really don't know what I'm doing.

Other than the new poetry chapbook that I hope to have out by summer's end, I'm kind of directionless right now. I'll figure something out.

Friday, June 25, 2010

July show? + Devyn's video

I'm going to try to make a Tujunga show happen sometime in July. No idea when or where.
Easily half of the set will consist of new songs. I haven't even started considering who to ask to play in the band that night.

Devyn Carnes (if you don't know him by name, you definitely know him if you've ever seen Maraca Mouths or Greenland or if you've ever been to a Mountair event) made this really awesome film that features my song "Teenage Halos". I highly suggest you give it a viewing (it's under two minutes in length).

Monday, June 14, 2010

new poetry book

expect a new tujunga poetry/lyrics chapbook sometime this summer.

Saturday, June 12, 2010

future shows

Here's a list of upcoming shows I'm playing with James Band and My Name is Dalloway...

  • June 19th - CIA (North Hollywood) w/ I Suggest We Run, Christy Paige, & Hilary Gay
  • August 13th - No Future Cafe (Pasadena)

  • June 25th - Tribal Cafe (Echo Park) (final show/one-year anniversary show) w/ Doctor Zoo, Donut, Magic Fingers, & Maraca Mouths

the boy who turns you on

I have a new-ish song called "The Boy Who Turns You On". It's been performed live three times (Meow Fest, Mountair in Jarrod's garage, and the Mountair at Ryan's birthday party). I have yet to make any sort of recording of it. Here's the lyrics...

every time i talk to you i get so tongue-tied. i never know quite what to say. you make me feel so shy. every time i look into yr eyes my brain turns off and my heart catches on fire. every time i see you hanging out with yr cool friends i turn around and walk the other way because i'm not cool enough for them. i'm such a jealous boy; i want you all to myself. i want to grab hold of you and do stuff i won't sing about. but instead i just pull my scarf over my mouth so you won't see my lips tremble with doubt. i want to tell you how much i like, but i don't know how to. so i guess i never will. i want to be the boy who turns you on.

Friday, June 4, 2010

type "tujunga" into google. my tujunga myspace page comes up as the 12th result, up at the top of page 2. that's ridiculous. there's got to be a multitude of other things relating to the town of tujunga that are more important than my myspace page. anyway, it's kinda funny. i blame myspace.

Monday, May 31, 2010

tujunga quintet

i'm going to play a short set at jarrod's post-graduation get-together in his garage this coming saturday (the 5th). tujunga is going to be a five-member band that night. i'm quite excited. should be really different.
we're going to practice the set at my house sometime in the evening or night this friday (the day before the show). if anybody wants to come over and watch us/hang out while we practice, just let me know. you're totally welcome to.

Sunday, May 23, 2010

it takes me so long to write new songs. i'm lucky if i finish one per month. they're musically and structurally quite simple, so i'm sure that only adds to how baffling it must be to see me struggle to write them. i take a really long time to write and rewrite all the parts, reorder the sections, and it takes an especially long time to get the lyrics the way i want them. i remember it took several months of lyrical and structural revisions before i showed the bare skeleton of "the light has gone out of my life" to anyone in dalloway, for example. until i have something exactly the way i feel it needs to be, i often feel rather awkward and sometimes just downright ashamed to exhibit it in any way.
all that said, i had a bunch of new tujunga songs that i thought were finished, but i've recently decided they're not. and i don't know when they will be.
sometimes i wish i could be the sort of person who bashes out a song in the course of 15 minutes and then they're done and ready to play it at a show. i feel like i'm pretty much entirely incapable of that on any level.

anyway, i swear i'll have some new songs sometime, someday.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

so much is happening. i hope with all my soul that everything works out.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

a lot of things are ending these days. i can't say i'm not disappointed.

anyway, the tujunga set at ryan's house (june 11th) should be interesting. i'm excited to hear how the songs will sound with the lineup i've assembled for that night. it's probably the one and only thing happening in the month of june i'm actually looking forward to or care anything about.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

show this friday...

I'm playing at Mountair this Friday (May 14th). This one will be in La Crescenta (in Jarrod's garage). The other acts playing are Tristan Green and Greenland (Devyn Carnes & Jarrod W.). I'm really excited about this show. Here's the info...

2615 Harmony Place
La Crescenta 91214

Doors at 6:30pm
Music starts at 7:00pm sharp


No drugs
No alcohol

I will have a limited number of CDs and poetry books available for free.

Monday, May 3, 2010

i went from knowing exactly what i want to not having even the slightest idea.

Sunday, May 2, 2010

future shows

Here's a list of shows I'm playing in the future. Mostly Tujunga, but also James Band and My Name is Dalloway. Feel free to contact me if you want further info on any of them...

  • May 7th - Meow Fest w/ Coup Pigeons, Tristan Green, Maraca Mouths, and lots more
  • May 14th - Mountair (in La Crescenta) w/ Tristan Green & Greenland
  • June 11th - Birthday party for Ryan Rivera Montez at his house w/ Air Surgeon, BoxViolet, Doctor Zoo, Maraca Mouths, and more

James Band:
  • May 21st - Mountair w/ Air Surgeon & Scott Karahadian

My Name is Dalloway:
  • June 25th - The Tribal Cafe (one-year anniversary show. probably our last show.) (More bands TBA)

Wednesday, April 28, 2010


Paris Yavuz has been playing drums with Tujunga these days. It's going great. Me on guitar + vocals, Paris on drums. We had a practice the other day on the rooftop of his apartment building in Silver Lake. A few people in nearby buildings came out and watched us for a bit. I couldn't tell whether or not they were enjoying it. Either way it was pretty beautiful.

I'll be debuting Tujunga's latest incarnation as a duo at the Meow Fest house show in Northridge on May 7th. I'm pretty excited/nervous.

Sunday, April 25, 2010

Tujunga in The Foothills Paper

Tujunga got a mention in last week's issue of The Foothills Paper. They also listed Mountair's YouTube page, so I guess the whole gang technically got a little bit of notice. Hopefully somebody read this and checked out everybody's live videos.

Scroll down to page 3 and look on the bottom right-hand corner (it opens as a PDF).

Thanks so much, Foothills Paper!

Thursday, April 22, 2010

expect new songs at upcoming shows

i've been writing a lot of new songs lately, as well as rewriting a few really old songs from 2005/2006. i hope to debut a bunch of them at the future shows i have lined up. especially the may 15th mountair show. my hope is for that set to consist of nothing but new songs.
they're pretty different from my other stuff. structurally, lyrically, thematically, sonically, etc.

Sunday, April 11, 2010


Saturday, April 10, 2010

Friday, April 9, 2010

exhibiting some artwork at mountair tonight. Pictures (possibly) forthcoming.

Saturday, April 3, 2010

new songs

i've been working on some quieter songs lately. no drums necessary. just me and a guitar. i'm looking forward to debuting them at mountair on may 8th. (i was going to play one of them at the tribal cafe show tonight but i got scared---and the mood in the room didn't feel right---so i scrapped it.)

i've been working on a song about russian tsar alexander III and his son (later to be tsar) nicholas II. it's basically the result of reading about them in a book a while back and wanting to make sense of them. i think it's a fascinating story. here's the gist: alexander dies of kidney disease in 1894 at the age of 49. his son nicholas is then forced to take over as tsar of the entire russian empire at the age of 26. and that's where the song begins. here's a shy young man who has little to no experience with really much of anything, and out of nowhere he's handed sole power over a massive empire. he thought his father would reign for several more decades before he would even have to think about the very notion of one day taking over. he simply was not ready for it. he had no idea what he was doing. the responsibility wore heavily on him. every decision he would make would affect millions. it tore him apart. this is a dilemma that few people have or will ever have to face. but he did. i find him, for all his charms and his many flaws (and there were many), to be a fascinating character. and i don't think anyone's ever written a pop song about this. so i'm going to.

the song in question is turning out to be really loud and upbeat with very talky vocals. similar to "bram stoker vs. oscar wilde". (this song will definitely not be one of those songs mentioned above in the first paragraph.)
for a while now i've been really torn between (a) simple poppy songs with short, lovey-dovey lyrics and shiny chords and (b) intense, dark, loud, minor key stuff with tons of cryptic lyrics. i'd say "i want to be yr boyfriend" and "bram stoker..." are probably the two best examples of those extremes for me. no idea which direction i'll be going in.

Thursday, April 1, 2010

new tujunga recordings

Yesterday there was a Tujunga recording session in my garage. Here was the lineup: me on vocals, Mackenzie Owen on guitar, Jarrod W. on drums. It was recorded by Scott Karahadian.

They're all songs that I've been kicking around live for quite a while now. It'll be really nice to have legit, quality recordings of them.
If I remember correctly, we recorded the following songs: "Tujunga", "Bram Stoker vs. Oscar Wilde", "I Want to Be Yr Boyfriend", "Yr First Semester", "Teenage Halos", and "Her Winter Coat".

I'd really like to thank Mackenzie, Jarrod, and Scott for making this happen. It means a lot.

Also, Tujunga is playing at the Mountair showcase at the Tribal Cafe tomorrow. (+ Air Surgeon, Cat 500, Coup Pigeons, Doctor Zoo, Maraca Mouths, & SISU.) I couldn't be happier for this to happen.

Sunday, March 28, 2010

Thursday, March 25, 2010

anytime i write something on here about accomplishing something, assume it's not actually going to happen.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

everything has to end sometime.

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

free poetry book

i have handmade poetry chapbooks available for free. if you want one, let me know and i'll get one to you (no matter the distance). copies are very limited.

Monday, March 15, 2010

i just realized that for the last year or so i've pretty much been unintentionally trying to make music that lester bangs would approve of. and i'm fine with that. i'm pretty sure that's all i want.

Sunday, March 14, 2010

i haven't given up yet,
as much as i'd like to

Saturday, March 13, 2010

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

"Something within his depths keeps him from open pursuit when his feelings are involved. The object of his affections, at a loss to understand his behavior after two emotion-packed days together, does not hear from him and assumes he is no longer interested. He, playing the waiting game, assumes the same and finds himself in another broken relationship."

-page 233

Sunday, March 7, 2010

noises blurring into nothing.

Saturday, February 27, 2010

i can only be an imitation of your desires.

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

blank lines (through invisible days)
static across town
you said nothing

you shut me out
& shut me out
& shut me out
again & again

it makes me wonder
why i even try anymore

i don't know when i'll be seeing you again
or if i even want to

Saturday, February 20, 2010

the least you could do is not lie to me.

Thursday, February 18, 2010

i only came here
to see you

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

if you search for "tujunga" on google, my myspace is on the 4th page of search results (at least at the time of this writing). i thought it would've been way farther back than that. pretty odd and kind of funny. it would definitely be a kick to see it on the 1st or 2nd search results page someday. it'll probably never happen, but it's a thought that definitely amuses me.

Friday, February 5, 2010

& i wonder---
how much longer
can this go on for?

Thursday, February 4, 2010

go ahead. hide everything from me. cut me out of everything.

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

death death death death death.

once everything is done, i'm making my exit.
months and months and months and months.

you are killing me.

Sunday, January 31, 2010

"cupid will come someday."

Saturday, January 30, 2010

born with the moon in sagittarius.

Friday, January 29, 2010

i've been developing simultaneous youtube crushes on marc bolan, calvin johnson, and mick jagger. just unbelievable. so good. there are times when i consider that the likes of these men are pretty much everything i wish tujunga could be (but probably never will). i can see tujunga going in so many directions. some of the stuff i've been writing as of late has been a little more grandiose, complex, dark, whatever, but watching folks like these on youtube just makes me want to turn tujunga into a straight-up fun band with super simple lyrics and me going crazy. like doing nothing but songs along the lines of "i want to be your boyfriend." i'm sure tujunga will be a lot more multi-faceted than that in the coming performances/recordings/whatever (doing lots of different stuff under the tujunga banner--i.e. the cat club show and the "american national heartache" performance being like night and day), but i can't say i don't have that certain temptation to ditch all the deep, dark, haunting stuff i've been attempting to make lately and just turn this into a vehicle for me to have fun with people. who knows. whatever happens, i'll let it happen.

in other news, there's a tujunga show at mountair on february 12th and i still have no idea who's playing with me, which songs of mine i'm going to play (there's like 25 to choose from at this point), or anything along those lines. to put it succinctly, i don't know what i'm doing. i've never been this clueless before a show. i usually know what my heart wants. in this instance, i'm just swimming in a sea of indecision.
brandon has agreed to play drums on some songs. justin might play guitar. if either or both worked out that would be immensely cool. i just want this show to be something new and different. to play with new people (as much as i appreciate with the greatest of gratitude mackenzie and jarrod letting me take time out of their days to play my sophomoric music at past shows), to project a new image, to explore what else tujunga could be.
part of my desire to play with new people, i must confess, is partly (and only in small part) due to people seeming to confuse tujunga and dalloway. i guess it's not the craziest case of mistaken identity considering that most tujunga stuff up to this point has involved jarrod and mackenzie. i'm not mad about the confusion at all. if anything, it's sort of a humorous mixup. but i do feel a need to clarify it. i've even had good friends of mine ask me which one is the band i'm a member of and which is my solo project, and even some actually unaware that they were two different things. as much as i really love those two guys, i feel like playing a tujunga show with someone else backing me up would be good for my sanity right now on the subject of that mixup. even if it's just a single show.
i've been trying to be more self-reliant in music these days (a definite influence on "american national heartache") because i still (and always will) struggle with my lifelong issue of being really skittish when it comes to asking other people for their help (especially when the answer seems to be more of a "yes" like "yeah, i guess i'll do you a favor" and less like "yeah, i'd really enjoy playing on your songs"). but i'm definitely realizing that the one-man band concept is something i'm probably not going to be able to sustain for any great amount of time. music based around electric guitar(s) and rock 'n' roll drums absolutely requires the assistance of others. even precorded stuff just isn't my thing. i've seen friends of mine pull it off with spectacular success, but for me it's about as sterile, impersonal, soulless, and far removed as can be when it comes to what i wish to accomplish with music and live performances (i should note that i use all those adjectives to describe how it feels when i do it. i don't normally feel that way when i see others do it). for one, i get really bored making music on computers. i've experimented with it for many, many years and i always get really impatient and frustrated and come out of it with an end product that i feel would've just sounded better with live human beings playing with live instruments. whenever i make music on the computer i honestly get to a point where i realize i've been staring at a screen for several hours while clicking around with a mouse and end up asking myself, "why am i doing this?" there's something so visceral and pure, almost primal, about holding an instrument in your hands and forcing a sound out of it, one note at a time, in real time. hitting the spacebar and then singing along just bores me to death. other folks i know are quite good at it and seem to very much enjoy it, and i'm really happy that they've found their ideal means of making music, but it does nothing for me. so i've decided i really do need other people to play with me in order to bring the sounds in my head to fruition. i suppose the most i can hope for is that they'll be honest about whether or not they want to do it, not just doing it out of feelings of obligation because we're friends (i really would like to believe that if someone i ask just plain isn't interested or thinks it would be wiser for me to ask someone else to play with me, that they would just bluntly tell me that). that's a terrible fear of mine. i really hate making other feel like they have any sort of obligation to do anything at all for me. i always try to ask as little as possible of everyone i know precisely for that reason.

still on the subject of the february 12th show: i don't know whether it would be wiser to assemble a lineup of musicians and then choose the songs based on what would work well with those musicians, or to put together a setlist of the songs i want to do and then gather together whoever i think would be best suited to play at this show. i really can't make up my mind.

i've had such a dire desire to do something new. to be reborn and recreated in the eyes of those watching these future show. the first five tujunga shows were loud, garage rock/art-punk stuff with mackenzie and jarrod on guitar and drums. and then i did "american national heartache," mostly because that's what was within me, but i do have to admit it was partly sparked from wanting to do something different---to be something different. i feel like if i do this show on the 12th (and any future shows, for that matter) in the same context as the first five shows, it's just going to be boring and so utterly expected. i want to press forward. my problem is that i don't even know what "forward" means anymore. i have so much i want to prove to myself. and i don't know how to do it.
oh well. a number of people seemed to enjoy the vibe of the first five tujunga shows. and i was very much under the impression that the debut of "american national heartache" was something of a failure (and probably not a direction very many people would want to see any more of in the future). so maybe i should just stick to the same old songs, same old presentation, same old everything.

i definitely worry about things too much.

Thursday, January 28, 2010

i wish so dearly for things to go back to how they were. and it really hurts to know that that's just not going to happen---no matter what i do.

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

how has a month gone by. how.

Monday, January 25, 2010

mood swings & mysticism

Sunday, January 24, 2010

the funeral train of alexander III (the lament of nicholas II)

sasha's in a coffin on a funeral procession to the cathedral of saints peter and paul. november the 1st. november the 1st. 1894. father, oh father, why have you left me? all saints day. novena optional. emperor so soon. all hail tsar nicholas II. 'emperor and autocrat of all the russias'.

alix by his side.

"what is going to happen to me and all of russia?" the young man whispered. a sigh. 25 years old. an empire in my hands.
i'm not ready for this.
be mine

Saturday, January 23, 2010

so much to be reevaluated. so many calls to make. i can see my life drifting further and further from the lives of those i love. homebound and helpless. i don't need it.

Friday, January 22, 2010

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

and so i suppose this is how it's going to be. fire minus water. nothing changes. giving up. nothing to say. a headless answer to every lopsided question. cut off. enter. exit. so much distance. pick up the phone. nothing happens. bedroom foxhole. never talk about it = no one will ever know.
between january 22nd and february 12th (22 days), i'm playing 5 shows. 3 as a member of my name is dalloway. 2 as tujunga. that's way more than i'm used to in such a concentrated span of time. and it wasn't until only tonight that i even realized all this. i get the feeling that i'm going to feel really drained by the time the 12th of february comes around---like i have nothing within me left to expel.

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

apparently i have to do everything.

Monday, January 18, 2010

Sunday, January 17, 2010

one disaster after another. why am i even trying at this point?
there's an aching within me. and i don't know what to do about it.

Thursday, January 14, 2010

i feel like i've ruined everything.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Monday, January 11, 2010

what do i do. what do i do. what do i do.
i'm so confused.
all i can think about is you.

Sunday, January 10, 2010

i've got well over 20 songs now. i really need to decide which ones are going on this "album" and just force myself to make recordings of them once and for all.

Saturday, January 9, 2010

Art School Girl

I wrote and recorded a new song tonight. It was something I really needed to get out of myself. I can't stress that last sentence enough. I felt like I needed to physically rip this song out of my body. Anyway, you can listen to it on the Tujunga MySpace.
It's currently unclear to me whether this rough demo of a song will end up forever being a Tujunga song or possibly a song by a one-off side project band. I'm really kind of leaning toward the latter (especially if I keep writing stuff this literal and personal). Like maybe I'll write a few more songs in this vein, gather a few other people to play on them, make the recordings all washed out and reverb-y and sad-sounding, invent a band name, then release the songs as a free EP and put the "band" to rest. Something like that. Lord knows I have a few more of these in my system that are probably going to find their way out.

"Art School Girl"

i don't know how you feel about me
i'd call you but I'm too afraid
ever since we kissed
and then you went away
i've had you on my mind for days

chicago gets ever so cold
this sad, wintry time of year
i imagine you on a subway platform
and i wish i could be there

oh art school girl
come on back and be with me in L.A.

Friday, January 8, 2010

i have no idea what's going on.

Thursday, January 7, 2010

Sunday, January 3, 2010

Friday, January 1, 2010

getting used to
getting cut out
is hard to do
when you're lonely

you feel farther from me now
than you ever have before