"I'm not afraid to compete. It's just the opposite. Don't you see that? I'm afraid I will compete--that's what scares me. That's why I quit the Theatre Department. Just because I'm so horribly conditioned to accept everybody else's values, and just because I like applause and people to rave about me, doesn't make it right. I'm ashamed of it. I'm sick of it. I'm sick of not having the courage to be an absolute nobody. I'm sick of myself and everybody else that wants to make some kind of a splash."

-excerpt from 'Franny and Zooey' by J.D. Salinger

i'm hoping for a disaster. i'm hoping for a disaster. i'm hoping for a disaster. i'm hoping for a disaster. i'm hoping for a disaster. i'm hoping for a disaster. i'm hoping for a disaster. i'm hoping for a disaster.

everything ends. everything always ends.

sturm und drang.

where shall i find you,
you, my grotesque fellows
that i seek everywhere
to make up my band?

-excerpt from "Sub Terra"
by William Carlos Williams, 1917

all those whispered promises
made under a soft gray winter sky
were broken when the letter arrived

a farewell & a long drive

the fall of a foxhole romance

fuseli

new song

this is a new song. i don't currently have a title. the first stanza and the very last two lines at the bottom were written sometime in late 2007. everything else was written in the last day or two. it used to be called "long black nights" back in '07, but i'm going to change the name. i'll try to record a rough demo of it sometime. aside from the last two lines, the whole song is to be performed a cappella.




oh those long black nights
when you're all alone
after the party dies
you've got no one to phone
and you can't help but feel like
no one thinks you're cool
you were standing in the corner
wearing all the wrong clothes
so no one talked to you

oh those long dull months
when you're at school all day
you hang out with your friends
and act like you're okay
but there's a love-death within you
and it won't go away
and it tears you apart to know
the one you want
doesn't feel the same

oh that small bedroom
where you hide away
all the saddest things
you know you'll never say

this winter is a sinking flagship
and these gray days are quietly drowning

bram stoker vs. oscar wilde

she told me that nite would be unlike any other. and then she set the piano on fire. and this is how it feels to be yr own opening act. jealous on the east end, losing all yr best friends, and walking home on yr own under the falling leaves of autumn treason in 1971. and there's an actor watching you from his hotel window on the eleventh floor.
and she said, "all hearts are secrets. and love is what you make it." or something like that. anyway...
a heavy metal blur and a kiss in the front seat with winter on either side of me. soviet satellites in the sky and i'm so afraid of what love is.
and yr friends, yeah, yr friends who pledge allegiance to nintendo--they whispered last nite that you've been fighting in a war between the shadow of bram stoker and the ghost of oscar wilde. and you're not quite sure which side you're on. and you sent your thieves to destroy the film. and then you sent mon cher bonaparte to kidnap me. and as i escaped in handcuffs with a noose around my neck, i swear i heard yr voice cry out from the streets of st. petersburg. and it said, "all hearts are secrets. and love is what you make it." or something like that. anyway...
i will never give in to those faithless sighs the way i fell prey to yr tiger stripes.

nothing
everything

the plan

get a bland government job. rent a small apartment. make music no one will ever hear. die in 60 to 70 years.

everything.

absence
little losses
fragmented
autumn
;
you have
a place
;
you always
could
you always
could
;
how many
more days?

this nite is a guillotine

i don't want to spend another nite alone
but no one's picking up their cell phones
i guess i'm going to spend the nite at home
this nite is a guillotine

i don't want spend another nite alone
it seems like everyone in town is hanging out except for me
does anyone else out there feel this lonely?
this nite is a guillotine

december 11th mountair show

i'm definitely debuting new songs. i'm going to be enlisting the help of some extra people on one of them (hopefully). and i'm probably going to be playing guitar. probably.

most of these newer songs (technically older songs that just haven't been played in front of an audience before) are totally done other than the lyrics. i keep editing the lyrics. i can't get them the way i'd like them. so i've either got new songs with lyrics i'm not totally pleased with or old songs that i'm not as enthusiastic about these days. maybe i'll have some burst of inspiration in the course of the next 10 days and come up with some lyrics i really like.

it's going to be weird playing with the other bands that evening. they're all really cool bands, but i have the feeling tujunga is defintely going to sound weird in the context of the rest of the show. whether it's shows or even zac hopkins' cool podcast, i can't help but feel like this entity known as tujunga doesn't really fit in with the things around it. i'm not really sure who tujunga would fit in with. all i know is it feels very foreign next to the other things with whom it's been associated with. i'm not saying i'm going to start conforming to what i imagine the norm to be (like dropping what i'm doing and and switching to a laptop or something). just noting that i feel like a weirdo sometimes.